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Rejection is a natural part of the relationship process. If you've ever been dumped, then you've been rejected. Some of you may be denying this: "Oh no, he said the timing was bad." Timing, schmiming. Every excuse boils down to one thing. You weren't their cup of tea. Or they've switched to coffee, or they've become Mormon and only drink juice - whatever the case may be, my point is, they don't want to drink you. But that's OK.

Rejection is even more common at the beginning of relationships. You know how your heart beats fast when you hit on someone hot? That's your heart getting excited because it knows that there's a good 75-per-cent chance that you're about to get shot down. Sometimes so brutally, you will remember the bloody aftermath fifty years from now. But that's OK.

Being single requires fearlessness, so you have to learn to chuck the detritus of rejection that builds up after months . Three Step ProgramT comes into play: Acceptance, Understanding and Forgetting, or AUF for short.

The first step is acceptance. When you are first rejected, you may be in denial.     

The second step is understanding. What's important is understanding that rejection is something that happens to everyone - even George Clooney But it's definitely happened to a lot of other people.The fact is, we have all rejected someone, and that didn't mean the other person wasn't great. They just weren't great for us.

The third step is forgetting the rejection. This is one of those situations when it's better to be a long-term pot smoker. The important thing is you're refusing to be mired down in fruitless feelings of rejection. George Clooney would be proud. Rejection isn't THAT bad. Apart from the frustration, hurt, and soul-crushing despair, what's not to like?

Rejection is good for you. It builds character and gives you an excuse to eat chocolate.

Dumped? Don't Go for the Ice Cream 

Social rejection seems to be the cause of many self-destructive behaviors. So what is so awful about feeling alone? When people feel alone or disconnected from society, it's not a normal state of being for a human, which may cause people to adopt unusual or self-destructive behaviors.

What specifically happens to someone who feels socially disconnected?

Feeling alone may encourage people to think in the short-term rather than the long-term, choosing momentary pleasures in spite of the long-term risks they can bring. In the wake of a breakup, you don't often hit the gym, go on a diet or start saving money for the future.

The experiments compared the behavioral tendencies of students who were told that, based on personality tests, they were either likely to end up alone, be constantly surrounded by friends and loved ones, or live a life full of accidents.

This is an all too common pattern that has been a major contribution to why nearly 2/3 of the US is overweight and well over ¼ are obese. Many people will use food as a "drug" to treat their emotional challenges.

Journal of Personality and Social Psychology

Fear of rejection is what keeps you inside when you could be going out and meeting people.Fear of rejection is what keeps you from opening your mouth when you're standing behind that cutie in the check-out line.Fear of rejection leads to pre-jecting, a romantic pre-emptive strike where you reject them before they can reject you. Or worse, reject yourself before they can reject you.

Like most of my bad relationship habits, my behavior stems from insecurity, not malice, but that doesn't make it any more excusable.Someone extending to meet a stranger takes courage and is a compliment of the highest order. There should be more of that in the world. Regardless of outcome, every time you put yourself out there, you are stronger for the experience. You are tested, broken-down, and rebuilt, until you're together enough to make it work when the right person comes along. Dating is not just about meeting others. It's about being introduced to yourself.That, and learning to appreciate country music. Let the good times roll.

What is fear of rejection?

Fear of rejection is the: Irrational fear that others will not accept me for who I am, what I believe, and how I act. Pervasive motivator for caution in my behavior and interactions with others.State of mind that makes me incapable of doing or saying anything for fear of others' rejection, lack of acceptance, or disapproval.

State of being of individuals who are over-dependent on the approval, recognition, or affirmation of others in order to feel good about themselves. In order to sustain personal feelings of adequacy these individuals are constantly concerned with the reactions of others to them. Self-censoring attitude that inhibits creativity, productivity, and imagination in one's approach.

Driving force behind many people that keeps them from being authentic human beings. They are so driven by the need for acceptance of others that they lose their own identity in the process. They mimic the ways in which others act, dress, talk, think, believe, and function. They become the three-dimensional clones of the ``role models'' they so desperately need to emulate in order to gain acceptance.

Underlying process in the power of ``peer pressure'' that grabs hold and makes people act in stereotypic, ``pop'' culture, counter culture, punk, new wave, preppie, yuppie, and other styles. They crave recognition and acceptance from the reference group with whom they want to be identified.

Energy-robbing attitude that leads to self immobilization, self-defeating, and self-destructive behavior. This attitude encourages ongoing irrational thinking and behavior, resulting in personal stagnation, regression, and depression.

Driving force of some people for all actions in their lives. It plays a part in their choices concerning their education, career direction, work behavior, achievement level, interpersonal and marital relationships, family and community life, and the ways in which they spend leisure time.

Act of giving to others more power than I give to myself over how I feel about myself. What the others say or feel about me is the determinant of how I feel about myself. I am completely at the mercy of others for how happy or sad I will be. My self-satisfaction and belief in myself is in their hands. Fear of rejection is the abdication of power and control over my own life.

Steps to overcome the fear of rejection

Step 1: Read through the material in this chapter and decide whether or not you operate out of a fear of rejection.

Step 2: Identify in your journal the person(s) from whom you fear rejection.

The people whose rejection I fear include:

Step 3:Identify in your journal how your fear of rejection is displayed in your behavior toward the people you identified in Step 2.

The behavior patterns reflecting my fear of rejection include:

Step 4: Identify in your journal healthy, productive, and rational alternative behavior patterns to those identified in Step 3.

Alternative behavior patterns to those coming from my fear of rejection include:

Step 5: Identify in your journal what the consequences would be of using the alternative behavior patterns listed in Step 4.

The consequences of using alternative behavior patterns would be:

Step 6: Identify in your journal what obstacles, other than your fear of rejection, exist in your adopting the alternative behavior listed in Step 4.

The obstacles that block my adopting the alternative behavior in Step 4 include:

Step 7: Analyze the obstacles listed in Step 6 and identify in your journal whether they are irrational beliefs or actual obstacles to change. If they are irrational beliefs use the Tools for Coping Series refutation of irrational beliefs, in Tools for Personal Growth. If the obstacles are not irrational beliefs use the five dimensional problem-solving model found in Productive Problem Solving, to find alternatives to rid yourself of these obstacles.

Step 8: Implement alternate behavior patterns not based on a fear of rejection.

Step 9: If you still have problems and are operating out of a fear of rejection, return to Step 1 and begin again. A professional or objective helper may be necessary to guide you.

Here is a brief summary of steps you can take to overcome your fear of rejection:

• Remind yourself why you want to overcome your fear of rejection. Remind yourself that your goal is to have a happy social life.
• Change what you say to yourself about rejection. Don’t tie your self worth to whether or not you get accepted or rejected by other people.
• Take a series of baby steps when developing new relationships.
• Look for signs of receptiveness in the other person.
• Deliberately set out to collect as many rejections as you can
• When you are out making approaches to other people, tell yourself that it’s just practice, it doesn’t count.
• Make many, many social approaches to other people.

Allow your relationships to develop slowly

One way that you can lessen the likelihood and frequency of rejection is to allow your relationships to develop slowly. Take baby steps. When relationships develop slowly, you must still make efforts to approach the other person, but your efforts will be low key and casual, rather than intense.

During each interaction with the person you wish to befriend, notice that person’s body language and facial expressions. Are you getting encouraging smiles and nods? Is that person’s body posture open or closed? Do you sense an eagerness to continue the conversation?

If the other person shows signs of enjoying your company and seems eager to continue your conversations, then he or she will probably be receptive to any overtures you make and any invitations you extend.

Although it may sound terrifying, one of the best ways to overcome a fear of rejection is to deliberately put yourself into situations where you get rejected a lot. This strategy is actually used by some therapists who specialize in the treatment of shyness.

If you actually confront the situations in which you feel anxious, your anxiety may lessen as you become more used to dealing with the feared event. But you may need help from a therapist to show you how to subsitute new ways of thinking about rejection in the place of your previous negative and self attacking thoughts.

By proving to yourself that you can face up to your fears, they will eventually lose their power over you.

If you are terrified of rejection, you may have thoughts like, “My self worth depends totally on whether other people approve of me and accept me. If people do not approve of me, I’ll be completely devastated and feel horrible because it means I’m worthless. If anyone rejects me it means that probably everyone will continue to reject me my whole life.”

We can become so completely overwhelmed by the negative emotions that follow this sort of thinking that we don’t notice what distortions we have introduced into our thinking processes.

If you persist in developing the habit of making many social overtures to other people, you will come to realize that occasional rejection is simply a part of life. It does not mean you are a flawed human being. Even though we can’t control whether or not other people reject us, we can control how we react to rejection.

We don’t need to condemn ourselves when we are rejected, and we don’t need to stop interacting with other people just because there is a chance they might reject us.When we give up interacting with others, not only do we give up some occasional pain and discomfort, but we also miss out on all the potential warmth, comfort, fun and excitement that other human beings can offer us.

Remember, if you never put yourself in a situation where someone can say “no” to you, you will also never be in a situation where someone can say “yes” to you.The more often you put yourself in situations where you interact with others, the more you will face the likelihood that some of those people will reject you.But you will also increase the odds that some of those people will accept you.The main person whose acceptance you really, really need, is YOU! 

Take control of your future

1. Remember that you suffer more from not asking. You can survive a rejection, even 20 rejections. But if you consistently don't ask, you'll get only what life hands you. And in a world in which most people go after what they want, you'll be stuck with the leftovers. Now that's something to be scared of.

2. Picture the benefits. How would your life be better if you asked and got what you wanted? Keep a tangible list or picture of those benefits in front of you for motivation.

3. Learn from rejection. If got turned down by many women before one deigned say yes. After each rejection, you try to get feedback to improve your pitch; thus your odds of success improved with every rejection.

4. Don't punish yourself. Even deeply flawed people deserve a good life. Ask for what you want, if not for yourself, for those who will benefit from your better life. And if depression is holding you back, get help.

5. Set small daily goals. Good things happen to those who act. Set a goal for yourself, for example, that you'll get three rejections a day. You'll find that the pursuit of rejections reduces their pain, and along the way, you'll likely get yeses.

6. Ask what would your wiser twin tell you to do. Let's say you think, "I'm still healing from my husband having left." Your wiser twin might respond, "You know you're just making excuses. Your husband is history, so let's go make a fresh start."

7. Remind yourself of a time you were successful. That may give you the confidence to try again.

8. Pretend you're an actor. Write a script for your pitch, but don't memorize it -- you'll sound scripted. Just write a few key words to remind you of your pitch's essence. Then practice it aloud into a mirror, cassette recorder or with a friend.

9. Tell your loved ones you're going to ask. You'll feel more accountable and less inclined to back out.

10. Schedule a time to ask. Put it in your datebook or PDA.

11. Be in the moment. Just focus on pitching well. Don't worry about whether it will work -- you can't control that. Remember that one yes negates many nos. Over your lifetime, you'll get many more yeses and thus have a better life than the millions of sheep who were too afraid to ask.

12. Now force yourself. Feel the fear, take few deep breaths and ask anyway. If the person says no, ask someone else. If he says no, ask yet another person. Moderate persistence is key to having the life you want instead of the life that fell into your lap.

Immerse Youself in Rejection

Although deliberately putting yourself in a situation that merits plenty of rejection can be painful, it is an effective exercise to get desensitized from the lousy feeling it brings afterwards. This is a surprisingly common suggestion given by therapists and psychologists who deal with people suffering from this anxiety.

By confronting these situations, you get used to the feeling of rejection and develop ways to cope with it. Be careful doing this on your own. It is recommended that you consult a therapist first to learn the right way to approach the problem. If you prove to yourself that those horrors can’t bring you down, they lose their grip over you. Remember that the more often you put yourself in a position of getting rejected, the better your odds of getting accepted as well.

• Say something nice about the person, be sure that it is from the heart.
• Focus on the person rather than on yourself. Show that you are interested in them ¡V their favorite singer? hobbies? Or you may talk about any experience common between you ¡V how do you find the course, what is your ideal job etc.  
• Make sure you have something to add to the conversation too. If you don't know what your hobbies are, think about it. 

Think Positive

This is perhaps the simplest way to get over your dread of rejection. Self-worth doesn’t depend on the approval and acceptance of others. When you become completely overwhelmed by the negative emotions that follow this type of thinking, your entire thinking process becomes distorted. This leads to a downward spiral that is hard to escape from.

There is no need to punish yourself for something you don’t have control of in the first place. Be optimistic that your next socialization will produce better results. Though you give up the possible discomfort and embarrassment of interacting with others, you also miss out on the potential warmth, fun and excitement it brings.

It is an undeniable fact that rejection hurts. In the end, you control whether to let rejection turn you into a stronger or stranger person.

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